This is my story, this is my roadblock, this was the beginning of the end. Part 1.

8 Oct

This is really private stuff to me when it comes down to it, but I feel if I can help someone in any way from this or just let you know that we’re all human and even when you see someone who lost weight, you just don’t really know how hard it truly was or what they went through. It’s hard work and I’m about to open up so you can see that we all have our struggles and this one could have been my last if I kept burning the candle at both ends.

A year ago, I hit a plateau in my weight loss. I was doing everything good, but nothing exceptional. So I educated myself and engulfed my heart into moving forward more fiercely to attain the “exceptional.” Let me clarify. I don’t need or want a 6 pack. I want a flat stomach and toned, lean body with less body fat. I do realize that where I am now is what’s considered healthy body fat for my age and height, standing at 20%; however, I still found myself wanting to be a little more lean. I’m not talking about muscles popping everywhere, but my hard earned muscles showing more. What I have come to realize is, the only time I have been thinner than this in my entire life was in college when I ran a lot for about 6 months and just ate Ramen Noodles. I maintained that for about 6 months but just got skinny. Did I like that? I suppose always being about 10 lbs. thick around the edges my entire life, I loved it. I loved fitting into clothes and I even remember wearing a mid drift shirt with jeans at a party and sitting down and feeling amazing that my stomach got so svelt. I loved it. Did I truly work for that physique? Besides the running, NO. I hardly ate anything. I cant’ exactly remember what I was going through at the time, but maybe a breakup. 🙂 Now, Fastforward to exactly one year ago. I was doing the exceptional for a solid 3 months and not much was changing. I changed my diet completely after learning much. Then I decided to do a local show here, 3 weeks out. If you know anything about competing or have competed, this is an insanely small amount of time to prepare for a show, especially if you have 15 pounds of fat to realistically drop off. I didn’t know better. I sought help from a friend who guided me to a trainer of competitors who helped me for free, so I jumped on it. She informed me that in order to drop that weight, I will have to commit to no carbs for that entire period.
Before I began my 3 weeks, I took pictures and this is what I looked like. This is all the work up until my time I decided to do NO Carbs. I am a happy, healthy woman here. I remember really loving my body and how far I had taken it and mostly, how far I had come with my mind. I felt confident and proud of myself for everything I had accomplished. I was happy.

During this time, I took tons of pictures of myself and my progress, even if I saw ONE new muscle fiber in my shoulders, camera would be out! I was so proud of my self.

Then the no carbs started.

I was extremely loopy and lost weight FAST. Now, if anyone knows how this works, before you get into ketosis, you lose water weight, and a lot of it. Then you begin JUST burning fat for energy.

Here is the (rather than saying progression) digression of my body over the next few weeks.
This is 7/14/11, eleven days out from my competition, so this is 10 days into it. I believe at this time I was down about 10 pounds. and I could tell. I have never loved my body so much. Being overweight, you really begin to want what you weren’t close to having….which was leanness. I worked my ass off for all those oblique muscles, my leg muscles and my shoulder striations and finally they were starting to show. It almost began this fixation in my mind that maybe I don’t need carbohydrates, that this is doing wonders for my body. So here I was, a woman who had done everything naturally to take off the first 35 pounds and I loved how I looked, then I got a taste of a pill that made it all happen so quickly. But in my heart, I knew it wasn’t good for me, as I got fog brain a lot and knew i wasn’t getting the nutrients I needed.

This is just 2 days later. Anyone who knows me, this is me very thin. my jaw line looks so popped out and maybe someone might think I look good, but in the back of my head, I know I was cheating and this wasn’t natural. My jawline and cheekbones were jutting out unnaturally. I feel like I am beginning to look more dragged down and less healthy.

This is 5 days later.

I had NEVER fit into these shorts. I got them at goodwill and hung them up as a goal. If I tried to put them on now, I couldn’t even get it over my leg.

This is the next day and 1 day out from competition. I feel at this point I’m starting to look malnourished….for me. Some might look ok like this but I have never looked this thin in the face. I think more of it was a deflated look that is making me come to this observation rather than a full, healthy look. If I would have done this naturally, I would have more meat on me still and more filling, versus just shrink wrap is what my skin looks like. My collar bones, that’s not natural for me.

I remember loving how thin and striated my arms were looking and any fat on my face was gone.

This is where it all started and this was the beginning of the end for me that would stay with me for the next year. Until now…..everything is changing.

Part 2 coming soon where I will show you my competition diary and if I got any smaller and how i felt. Also, I will tell you the next thing I got asked to do that continued the cycle. What you’ll find out is why this was the beginning of the end for me and how it was the beginning of something that would affect me for the next year and take a major breakdown to realize something was wrong.

If someone, after reading my story and all the parts to it believes I had/have a disorder, I would not object. I don’t know what it is..but it was something beyond healthy. It was excessive, obsessive in nature, compulsive, stressful, saddening, frustrating, non sensible and bad for me. I got a taste of what it was like to be what I have always wanted. To be thin and show off my hard work. Unfortunately, my next story would catapult this drive a lot further, as I get out in the open waters of perfection and striving for it.

I had worked so healthfully the first year. I knew how to eat healthy and learned even more over each week and months and the silver lining from all this is that I know so much more now about what my body NEEDS and what I will provide it with vs. deprive from it. Don’t worry, there is a silver lining!


8 Responses to “This is my story, this is my roadblock, this was the beginning of the end. Part 1.”

  1. Kyle October 9, 2011 at 1:01 am #

    Awesome work, You look Great!! I’m working on a transformation I’m down 125 and am struggling to get the last ten off. Your transformation is inspirational!

    • fierceforward October 10, 2011 at 11:57 am #

      Kyle, congratulations! 125, that’s amazing!!! The more you have to lose, it comes off quickest at the beginning and then is harder at the end, BUT< keep going Kyle….you just have to keep switching it up and stay the course. Don't over do it or go over the top with your diet, just take it slow and it will come off if you're stress free, happy and healthfully working towards it. Thanks for your support. Ash

  2. Anonymous March 22, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    This is very inspirational Ashley. I have ALWAYS struggled with my weight and frequently feel like I will never be happy with how I look or feel. It is like when I work hard I have moments of “this will work and I can keep this up” then after months of working and not getting the results I am looking for frustruation hits. Thanks for sharing!
    Melissa-Team Green 🙂

    • Anonymous April 12, 2012 at 2:59 am #

      I must leave this annonymously but I give you much credit for what you have done. I have been anorexic most of my life and it is hard because I always want to be healthy an I never can figure out how. Keep up the positive work and take the healthy path!

      • fierceforward April 12, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

        hey you. it’s always nice to know I’ve helped someone in my own experiences. It is hard to be open about my struggles but at the same time I know it’s our struggles that really make us realize how strong we are and how we will choose to move forward. stay strong and keep thinking and thinking about what you NEED to change to move to the life you want to live. ash

  3. Brandi Bryant March 25, 2013 at 4:47 am #

    Thanks for sharing! You are a very brave and inspirational woman (and fierce 😉 ). I am so happy I found your blog!


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